What a year. I can’t begin to describe how this year feels like the most life changing of all my 26 years of life so far. 2009 was filled with events, adventurous, emotional, unknown, successful, heartbreaking, and eye-opening. It was especially a year full of unexpected events that I never saw coming.
At the end of 2008, I was very happy with where my life was going. I had just started my MBA, my boyfriend had just moved away but I was madly in love, and I was content with the job I had. But know, my life has taken a 180 degree turn in the three most prevalent areas: my personal life, my professional ambitions, and, most importantly, my spirituality.
My Personal Life - From when we first started dating, I had gotten a vibe from Israel that he wasn’t too fond of marriage. Since he was only 24, I didn’t give it much more thought or worry about it. We were a happy couple who struggled with (what I would say pretty common) relationship issues. On top of that, he had just moved and his business wasn’t as successful as we both had hoped. He was frustrated most days and his cheerful mood was difficult to keep up. He decided to apply for grad school, and with combined efforts, he got accepted to Notre Dame’s Mendoza School of Business. I can’t remember ever being more proud of anyone for such an amazing accomplishment! And though he was happy about it, he didn’t seem to be bouncing off the walls. Things got more difficult for him when his business seriously took a leap, he moved back to the Southwest and his friend disappointed him by not putting in as much effort as his business had required. I thought it would be supportive to help him as much as possible, professionally and mentally. How wrong I was! Even though he kept ensuring me how much he needed and appreciated my support, how much he loved me, how much his family loved me (one weekend at the Women of Faith conference with his mom Cyndi was beautiful!), and how often he would make future plans for us, he told me in August that all that wasn’t what he wanted. It was sudden and a shock, because I didn’t know where it was coming from.
Since the break-up, I at first tried to stay friends with him. We didn’t part on bad terms and still had a lot of respect for one another. I realized soon that I couldn’t handle speaking with him as if no feelings had ever been there. I eventually told him I couldn’t be friends with him, simply to protect my own heart and well-being. Almost four months later, I still struggle trying to sew my heart back together. Israel was the most wonderful person that I ever had the honor to share 18 months of my life with. I miss him dearly and think about him every day. It hurts terribly not having him around and asking him for advice or cheering each other up. It burns a hole in my stomach not being able to tell him that I love him and hear him say the same words. But I gave it a lot of thought and I think I somewhat understand what brought on his decision to leave. I think I gave him the feeling that he didn’t have to take care of me because I appeared to always take such good care of myself. I think he felt like he didn’t have to pay 100% attention because I would remind and help him to get the important things done. While he appreciated it at times, it was also too much at other times. Something I learned (and hope to apply in future relationships), is that I cannot control everything and that, even though I might be right most of the time, I shouldn’t always voice that in front of a man. Israel taught my a lot of things in my life, and I will be forever grateful. I hope that he will be able to figure his life out and life to its fullest potential; God knows he has tons of it!
My Professional Ambitions – When I graduated with my Bachelors in 2007, I was sure I wanted to live downtown (Chicago or New York), live in a fancy apartment, work at a fabulous job in an advertising agency, and go out to expensive parties every week. It is fascinating how one’s perspective can change. I would say the two main reasons why this change in my mind occurred where 1. my relationship with Israel and 2. my medical aid trip to Haiti in February. Israel was in a pretty bad financial situation while he was moving around the country trying to keep his business afloat. I realized, I didn’t care. Going from nice clothes, sports car, and high-paying job, he went to a 20 year old car, old clothes, and barely enough money to live. And I loved him more than ever. I realized that the will to try counts for more than materialistic things. And I admired him for that. Fancy dinners where all of a sudden not important to me, as long as I could spend time with him.
The trip to Haiti opened my eyes in terms of the help that millions of people in the world are in desperate need of. Seeing and experiencing the poor circumstances that some people have to live in their whole lives made me think about ways that I can help. What I put my mind to, is that developing countries need an education that will teach them from ground up to do business and compete with Western countries. My love for little children has grown since my missions trip, and today, I am thinking about getting an ESL certificate, so that I can go to African countries and teach kids how to speak English. Ultimately, it has become my dream to work for a large charitable organization, such as the UN or UNICEF. Because I have little to no experience in the field yet, and need to learn another language, I am thinking about moving to Paris in 2011 to learn French, which is definitely needed in Africa. I have a year to figure all that out, so we shall see what God’s plan is. Which is what takes me to my third, and most important, change of mind during 2009.
My Spirituality – One of the reasons why I will never be mad at Israel for leaving me is because he was the one that brought God closer to my heart. Growing up in Germany, practicing religion isn’t quite as common as it is in the U.S. But in the last year, I had the opportunity to explore Christianity and learn the beauty that it brings to those who walk with Christ. I know believe that God is the most precious thing that can happen to someone. God is always with you. He holds your hand and is by your side, not just through the good times of your life, but also through the bad, the times when you feel like giving up, you can depend on Him. God has a plan for me, and no matter how sad I might be, how frustrated or fearful, God is painting a picture for you, and he will guide you to a place where He wants you to be. Ultimately, He will take you to a place of happiness, a place where you can rely on Him to do the right thing for you. God sent His precious son Jesus into this world, and shed his blood on the cross, so that your sins will be forgiven. No matter how mad you want to be at yourself, God has already forgotten about the sins that you commit every day. My goal used to be to make myself and others happy, to accomplish success. But now, I want to live like Christ, not judging other people, but taking them for who they are, because they too, just like me, were created in God’s image. I can finally let go of trying to take control of everything that is happening in my life, because God’s plan is more important than my own. This revelation has changed my life, not for the better, but for the best!
Today, on December 24th, I am finally appreciating the beautiful purpose of Christmas. If it wasn’t for this day, we would be lost in a world, where poverty, sickness, and selfishness could not be overcome. But I want to serve the Lord and do what I can to fulfill His purpose.
Merry Christmas!!